I’ve been riding this grief wave long enough to know when I’m in the curl or the downward wave. It could last an hour or a week, who knows when I’ll come out of it. Its just a sad feeling that comes on whenever it wants to. I usually cry more and no one sees, I’m more isolated during this time. I’m more closer to God at this time. It is what it is. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to call people bothering them on my issues at the wee hours of the morning; I really don’t have anything to say. People think that they can fix me, but they can’t. These are things that happen when major tragedies strike, it never goes away, you just cope with it better. The people affected are changed. I think I’m much more sensitive to life. Deep scars change your perspective on relationships in your life, superficial just won’t do. I have to have substance with friendships or whatever. I don't even know what whatever is but God is speaking and I need to be quiet and listen. He won’t let me wipe-out, even if I want to. Anyway, I can’t really explain what’s wrong with me its just something is amiss. I really don’t want to get out of bed but kids have to go to school and babies gotta eat, life goes on even when I want it to stop. I’ll go through with my daily routine as if all is fine, God will carry me through the curl as He always does. Its not even about missing my spouse, the kids and I do, but the life of isolated confinement in the Widow’s Walk is maddening at times. There is no one to talk to or even sit and be quiet with. One of my favorite movies is the Shawshank Redemption in it a character says of prison that: “These walls are funny. First you hate ‘em, then you get used to ‘em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.” I’m not institutionalized but I understand this statement. Each wave of grief that comes has been easier to handle so I guess eventually I’ll get used to ‘em, maybe depend on them? You have to keep praising God. I'm still standing and always will...We here at The Unwelcome Committee want to offer you encouragement along your Grief Journey. We relate. We understand. We listen. We care. Please understand that the waves that are engulfing you now will subside over time. Hold On...
